Judgment Day

Jerry Bruckheimer was finally getting the death sentence for directing propaganda movies. In the “future” it became known that Jerry Bruckheimer’s Pirates of the Caribbean franchise was riddled with subliminal anti-gay messages. Johnny Depp’s non-sensical dialogue and flamboyant movements created a chemical reaction in the viewer’s brain that made them despise same sex couples. The research that went into this sublimation of anti-gay messages was extensive and now Bruckheimer paid the price thanks to a clear minded society and legal system. 

Despite the death sentence he received, Bruckheimer was still hell-bent on making things epic and made all sorts of ridiculous demands for his last day. He had everything planned very specifically and requested that the death sentence be carried out at midnight so he has an entire day to utilize. Somehow the courts allowed his ridiculous demands simply because he had a lot of money. Bruckheimer wanted the day to be perfect. It was his day and Bruckheimer was death-zilla, a playful derivation of bride-zilla. This is how the day played out:

6 a.m.: Jerry Bruckheimer awoke and drank fifteen cups of Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee while watching a chimpanzee masturbate, something Jerry Bruckheimer always wanted to see. 

7:30 a.m.: Jerry Bruckheimer masturbated after the chimpanzee session and took a nap.

9:00 a.m.: Jerry Bruckheimer had his last breakfast of two penguin eggs (sunny side up), a polar bear steak (medium-well), and desert king snake blood in a shot glass. He threw up the entire meal after finishing it and took another nap.

11:00 a.m.: Jerry Bruckheimer was still nauseous and sick and refused his last lunch. He sat by the toilet instead and drank small sips of water and pepto-bismol. 

12:30 p.m.: Jerry Bruckheimer bathed a pool of crocodile tears. The crocodile tears pool was by far the most expensive request as it required the death of 20,000 crocodiles to extract the tear glands and nearly decimated the crocodile population. Jerry Bruckheimer was well aware of this and stated to local papers, “If I, personally, don’t decimate something before I die, then my life truly was meaningless.”

2:30 p.m.: After an extremely extensive bathing in crocodile tears, Jerry Bruckheimer lay down on a bed of live baby leopards and smoked 38 grams of opium. 

6:00 p.m.: Far into the depths of opium psychosis Jerry Bruckheimer ate his last dinner which was the face of Lindsay Lohan (medium-well) garnished with peyote buttons and jimsonweed seed pods. 

8:00 p.m.: Jerry Bruckheimer was now hallucinating very violently and returned to his baby leopard opium den to smoke another 26 grams to relax. 

10:00 p.m.: The hallucinations were still violent but the opium helped Jerry Bruckheimer navigate his body better. Jerry Bruckheimer then had sex with the same chimpanzee he watched masturbate earlier in the day.

Midnight: After vigorous and rather athletic intercourse, Jerry Bruckheimer was executed by having his head chopped off by a vintage guillotine from the French revolution of 1789. He planned to say something epic before the execution but was exhausted from hallucinations and chimpanzee intercourse.