Jeffrey's Realities

Jeffrey was dying of boredom. It sounds like a metaphor but it actually was true. Boredom made Jeffrey eat more and drink more wine. This increased consumption of food and alcohol products gave way to a decreased metabolism and less functioning brain. Jeffrey wasn’t a bad guy, just bored.

“Oh my fucking God,” Jeffrey exclaimed to his nonplussed cat.

The cat didn’t want anything to do with Jeffrey’s manifested problems and lack of motivation and complaint-ridden body. Jeffrey just found himself lying around and waiting around for something great to shake him out of the “funk” he was in. Here were spawned three manifested realities of billions of potential realities.

Reality 1: Jeffrey continued on living his stupid, pathetic existence. Jeffrey becomes self loathing. Jeffrey even continues living a long life with a back problem, non-existence sex life, type II diabetes, beta blockers for hypertension, and lots and lots of succulent debt.  Shit sucks in this reality but he’s still living. Life doesn’t stop because you get depressed. If anything it seems longer.

Reality 2: Go get ‘em Jeffrey. He’s out exercising and moderating his alcohol consumption. Jeffrey is creative and full of energy at work. Jeffrey is full of energy at intercourse. Whoa! Jeffrey is doing yoga and increasing his flexibility and libido. Eating healthy. Clean living. Keeping it real.

Reality 3: WHATEVA! Dichotomies are fo’ pussies. Jeffrey does what he wants when he wants. Mother Fuckers…

Radiobot Robocalypse

Thom Yorke has always been involved in engineering as child. His father was an electrician and taught Thom the basics of electrical engineering at a young age. Thom excelled at electrical engineering and at the age of seven impressed his father with a robot that could make music. The music the radiobot made sounded a lot like the intro to “Where I End and you Begin”, it was creepy.

Thom couldn’t fit in at school and his quirky engineering gathered no companions at school. This made Thom socially isolated and bred misanthropic ideals into the child at a young age. Thom gained a sinister edge that made him add a “defense” mechanism to his radiobots where they would inflict a zap to any human that would touch them while activated.

Fast forward 35 years, Thom Yorke has assembled a mass of radiobots in the millions. The Queen of England has been privately funding his project for years as she is miserable and wishes for death upon all living things (including herself). Thom Yorke starts a cover band called Radiohead that plays all the radiobot music. Since the music is mathematically perfect, Radiohead becomes an instant sensation from the start*.

Armed with ample funds and radiobots Thom Yorke launches the robocalypse attack on November 5. There wasn’t any deep meaning behind attacking on November 5, aside from the fact that Thom Yorke liked the movie V for Vendetta and Natalie Portman.

The In Rainbows radiobots massacred the people of England, France and Spain and moved east with stunning accuracy and speed. The Kid A radiobots wiped out all of the Central and South America. Pablo Honey radiobots destroyed the United States specifically because Thom Yorke hated USA and wanted them to suffer with these subpar radiobots. The King of Limbs radiobots began their attack in Japan and moved west across Asia.

Soon the all humans were destroyed and the land was leveled. What remained was nothing but charred bodies of all living things. Dark shadows cast on an empty vastness of wasteland. Thom Yorke and all his radiobots were all that remained. Thom Yorke called all his radiobots to gather in Iceland then they orchestrated a synchronized symphony of perfection that resounded throughout the universe.

The End?

*Aside from Pablo Honey which was a massive failure.

iMedia

“It’s about fucking time,” Jerry said.

Jerry was following concept technology news sites and was an avid disciple of iTechnology. He was extremely anxious to get his hands on the most recent development in the iFamily. iMedia was a revolution of the mind. iMedia took technology and media directly to the source… the human mind.

Jerry was first in line at the international iStore in Los Angeles. Jerry was the first to receive iMedia. The iMedia device came in a very small jewelry box and was in the shape of a small pill. This iMedia pill cost $2,250. It was state of the art. It was divine. It was iMedia.

Jerry thrashed open the box and consumed the pill with gusto. He checked his iPhone17 for the time. Jerry was overwhelmed with excitement and went to a bar to celebrate with some equally ecstatic iFriends. They drank and danced and kept a close watch on the time. After 20 minutes Jerry exclaimed:

“Finally!”

The iMedia device was active and a voice prompt sounded in Jerry’s mind. The iMedia device was a piece of nanotechnology that when swallowed took 20 minutes to pass through the walls of the stomach, enter the bloodstream and marriage with the frontal portion of the brain. Once marriaged, the iMedia device activated the user’s iCloud through 8G satellite technology to initiate any song, movie, document or picture in the user’s mind via the user’s thoughts.

Jerry was navigating the prompts with his thoughts to customize his iMedia device. The first thing he wanted to do is create a complex password to activate the device. Next he accessed his favorite song ever, “Jump” by Van Halen. The song entered into his brain in precise clarity unmatched by any speaker system. The sound was literally with him.

After 30 seconds of the song, Jerry switched to another song. Then before that song was over he switched to another one. Then he wanted to watch a movie clip from the Matrix. The images flashed over his visual field. The images were so clear. The clarity increased when he closed his eyes. Jerry directed the iMedia device to porn… with his mind! He turned on pornography with his mind! He turned himself on with his mind and no one watching him knew what he was viewing. 

The iMedia device was the epitome of a personal device.

Judgment Day

Jerry Bruckheimer was finally getting the death sentence for directing propaganda movies. In the “future” it became known that Jerry Bruckheimer’s Pirates of the Caribbean franchise was riddled with subliminal anti-gay messages. Johnny Depp’s non-sensical dialogue and flamboyant movements created a chemical reaction in the viewer’s brain that made them despise same sex couples. The research that went into this sublimation of anti-gay messages was extensive and now Bruckheimer paid the price thanks to a clear minded society and legal system. 

Despite the death sentence he received, Bruckheimer was still hell-bent on making things epic and made all sorts of ridiculous demands for his last day. He had everything planned very specifically and requested that the death sentence be carried out at midnight so he has an entire day to utilize. Somehow the courts allowed his ridiculous demands simply because he had a lot of money. Bruckheimer wanted the day to be perfect. It was his day and Bruckheimer was death-zilla, a playful derivation of bride-zilla. This is how the day played out:

6 a.m.: Jerry Bruckheimer awoke and drank fifteen cups of Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee while watching a chimpanzee masturbate, something Jerry Bruckheimer always wanted to see. 

7:30 a.m.: Jerry Bruckheimer masturbated after the chimpanzee session and took a nap.

9:00 a.m.: Jerry Bruckheimer had his last breakfast of two penguin eggs (sunny side up), a polar bear steak (medium-well), and desert king snake blood in a shot glass. He threw up the entire meal after finishing it and took another nap.

11:00 a.m.: Jerry Bruckheimer was still nauseous and sick and refused his last lunch. He sat by the toilet instead and drank small sips of water and pepto-bismol. 

12:30 p.m.: Jerry Bruckheimer bathed a pool of crocodile tears. The crocodile tears pool was by far the most expensive request as it required the death of 20,000 crocodiles to extract the tear glands and nearly decimated the crocodile population. Jerry Bruckheimer was well aware of this and stated to local papers, “If I, personally, don’t decimate something before I die, then my life truly was meaningless.”

2:30 p.m.: After an extremely extensive bathing in crocodile tears, Jerry Bruckheimer lay down on a bed of live baby leopards and smoked 38 grams of opium. 

6:00 p.m.: Far into the depths of opium psychosis Jerry Bruckheimer ate his last dinner which was the face of Lindsay Lohan (medium-well) garnished with peyote buttons and jimsonweed seed pods. 

8:00 p.m.: Jerry Bruckheimer was now hallucinating very violently and returned to his baby leopard opium den to smoke another 26 grams to relax. 

10:00 p.m.: The hallucinations were still violent but the opium helped Jerry Bruckheimer navigate his body better. Jerry Bruckheimer then had sex with the same chimpanzee he watched masturbate earlier in the day.

Midnight: After vigorous and rather athletic intercourse, Jerry Bruckheimer was executed by having his head chopped off by a vintage guillotine from the French revolution of 1789. He planned to say something epic before the execution but was exhausted from hallucinations and chimpanzee intercourse.